Thursday, May 30, 2019

The Bedroom Mirror

Around this time (9:30am) last year, I was pouring my heart into a blog post titled "Once an Abalar Girl." That would be posted in the early hours of the following morning: May 31st, 2018. 

Several Hours later I was sitting alone in my childhood bedroom, for the very last time. It was dark, cold, and completely empty. I sat against the wall next to my closet doors and looked at the dim reflection I saw of myself, except, it was my reflection of 6-year-old me. A green-eyed girl with dirty blonde hair ready to make the room her own. The room was empty then too but, it was mine, and it was ready for the stories that would be written in it. 22 Years later, I sat again, in an empty room, that was full of secrets, laughter, tears, dance moves, and memories. All I could do was cry. 

I haven't been back since. A house that is no longer home, a town that no longer feels welcoming. I have felt out of my body for 365 days, trying to find my way back to a secure location - like a small child who got lost in a department store and can't find their way back to their mother - trying to find my way back to that reflection in the mirror. 

As we grow up, every adult leaves their inner-child behind. We don't do it on purpose though. We were either told we had to grow up and do adult things. Or we just got involved with worldly pleasures that were like shiny objects keeping our attention. And I've asked myself many times this last year, why? how? when? The last time I saw my inner child, was this time last year, screaming out "Don't Leave!" - To myself and to my parents. Her reflection was sad and abandoned - yet, I promised her I would be back for her, even though I didn't exactly know how I'd get there. 

I've seen that reflection flicker before me throughout the last 365 days. If a song came on or if I found a materialistic item, or when I've traveled to Idaho to visit my family. That 6 year old me really screamed out back in October at the beginning of the holiday season.  After my major anxiety attack and ending up in the ER, all I could do was cry out for my parents. I was in the kitchen one evening making a recipe of mom's when I accidentally dropped the spoon I was mixing with. Instead of picking it up and going about - I sat on the floor and cried. 28 year old (married) me, sitting on the floor, crying out for her parents. And there she was, my inner child, that green-eyed girl with dirty blonde hair, sitting beside me. 

Since October, I've been talking to her again, that child within me. Talking about our dreams, our favorite songs, and memories. We have so much healing to do, together, but we are healing. I still look into the mirror, hoping to see that reflection from time to time, but I know she's there even when I can't see her. I feel her though, every morning when I talk to my parents via facetime, or when bohemian rhapsody comes on. 

I often think about the family living in that house now. Is there a little girl looking at her reflection in that front bedroom? Does she have it decorated in bright colors? or cheetah print? Does this family fill the space with love and laughter? And, do they think about us, my family? Do they see the little cracks and dents while wondering where it came from? Do they see our reflections in their mirrors? Do they love Abalar as much as I do? 

Around this time (9:30am) last year, I was pouring my heart into a blog post titled "Once an Abalar Girl," That would be posted in the early hours of the following morning: May 31st, 2018 -- And now, 1 year later, here I am...still an Abalar Girl, just with a different address. 

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With Love and Light,