Tuesday, August 20, 2019

Surrender.



Surrender.
As in - Let go, Stop Resisting, Stop forcing. 
Surrender.
As in - Be Still and Listen.

Let's be honest for a moment, I am not one to surrender and be still. Nor am I the one to listen. I have the need to be right in the middle with the knowledge to know everything that is going on. If though I know I have no control over various  most situations -  Letting Go is still a challenge for me. So now, here I am, sitting on our front porch listening to the soft wind and the crow singing out above me. This comes after a day where I so desperately wanted to crawl under my bedsheets and cry. I woke up emotional and uneasy as I do most days nowadays. Yet I knew that I was meeting one of my dearest friends for lunch this afternoon and I just needed to keep it together until then. But on my way to meet her, my car stalled and wouldn't get power enough to move. I tearfully called my truck driving husband at work and cried that he needed to send one of his co-workers to come to get me and my car. The emotions of the day got me. When my friend picked me up, as we still made it a point to go to lunch, I sat in her car and said: "Well, I'm raising my white flag, my hands are up in the air, and I surrender." 

The word surrender has been poking at me for over 2 weeks now. I would hear it in a song, someone around me would say it, or I'd read it in a book. I keep thinking "Okay, I get it. Surrender!" but then I'd roll my eyes and keep doing whatever I was doing. Which was trying to keep my anxiety and depression under the best control that I could. I knew there was something that I needed to do and I knew that something was to sit back, look up, and say "Okay God. I'm laying it all down at your feet and I'm giving it all up to you to decide what happens next." But, with me being the overbearing control freak that I am. I couldn't do it, not full-heartedly at least. And then my car broke down and that was it. Full-heartedly, I threw my head back with tears in my eyes and said: "What now?" but no answer. I moved through the rest of my day doing all I could to keep my mind and body busy. When I got home, I went to my space where I meditate, pray, do yoga, and write. I saw the sticky note I had placed a few weeks ago on the backboard of the bookcase with the words "I SURRENDER TO THE FLOW," written in all caps and a black marker. I grabbed my sticky note pad and wrote two words: GOD PROVIDES. They are two words I had repeated to myself back in June of 2018 when I felt defeated and lost. God Provides. God Provides. God Provides. On the second sticky note I wrote my mantra of the year 2019: "WHERE THERE'S SHADOW, THERE IS LIGHT."  A very cliche but true quote that you can find in one of my favorite songs "Battle Cry," by Kyler England. 

I fell to my knees, bent my forehead down to the floor with my arms out wide, palms up and whispered an old worship song we used to sing before every show when I was growing up in musical theater. 

"I cast all my cares upon you. I lay all of my burdens down at your feet. And when I don't know what to do. I cast all my cares upon you."

I lay in silence - my heart, mind, body, and every ounce of my soul down at the lowest point I have been at. Surrendering. Letting Go. Not asking questions. Not seeking anything other than my breath. 

"Okay Child, Get Up. We Got Work to Do."

Is all I felt in my body. It's all I heard. It's all I knew at that exact moment. To Rise. To Move. To Keep Going. Undoubtedly towards tomorrow. 

Surrender.
As in - Let go, Stop Resisting, Stop forcing. 
Surrender.
As in - Be Still and Listen.

Ok God, I'm Up. Let's Get to Work!

No comments:

Post a Comment

With Love and Light,